Rituals and Farewell Ceremonies

As an end-of-life doula, the use of ritual and ceremony has become a key element of my practice, as it has for many doulas. For me, ritual and ceremony represent an intentional effort to mark and uplift the ordinary and imbue it with a feeling of the sacred.

My Ancestry Ritual and Spiritual Influence

When I reflect on how ritual became such a strong part of my practice, I go back to my childhood and the ancestral rituals that I was raised around. I grew up in a Sicilian-American family, and the Sunday family dinner was our weekly ritual. The Italian sauce was cooking on the stove all day, and when the whole family gathered, my grandmother would play the piano while I sang.  Sitting down to dinner after 10 hours of cooking the “gravy,” everyone raised their glass and toasted “salute.” The ritual of toasting has stayed with me throughout my life.

The night before she transitioned, we all gathered in her hospice room. We played recordings of her piano music, ate pizza, and raised a glass to toast her. After she died, my two sisters and I sang her favorite song: “Dream (When You’re Feeling Blue”) by Johnny Mercer at her Memorial service, which was a ritual honoring her gift of music to us.

I was also raised in the Catholic Church, where rituals are deeply embedded – the most pronounced being those connected to the 7 sacraments: baptism, confession, holy communion, confirmation, marriage, holy orders, and anointing of the sick. Even though I eventually outgrew the religion, the influence of ritual as a way to mark sacred experiences has stayed with me.

In the 90’s, I went through an 8-level Buddhist-affiliated meditation path called Shambhala - Sacred Path of the Warrior, which led me to a meditation instructor training. As a member of the sangha for 8 years, I developed a keen sense of the sacred, grounded in the connection between earth and sky. The path derives from a Tibetan spiritual tradition, Dzogchen, which embodies Indigenous Bön animist and Tibetan Buddhist beliefs.

We had rituals around the shrine room – the arrangement of flowers, bowing at the threshold, and a ritual meal chant along with a toast (yes, I had found my place). One Buddhist death ritual is a phowa. This ritual carries the intention of helping the consciousness of a dying person to transition beyond their suffering and let go of attachment. This includes the burning of a photograph of the deceased. This fire ritual represents the letting go of the physical being while holding onto the spiritual presence of the departed. I also learned to use the lhasang– a smoke purification ceremony– which we performed when we buried a Treasure Vase in Joshua Tree and again later in a cave in the high Andes of Peru on sacred land. There were other heart-opening rituals on that Peru trip: one of our guides – a Lakota practitioner - led a pipe ceremony at the edge of a 14,000 ft. pass, and a shaman guided us in a ritual reading of our coca leaves. All these sacred practices from my own and other cultures have profoundly impacted me.

Bringing it Forward into My Doula Practice

All of this has influenced me to use ritual as a source of comfort and grace in my doula work. When I sit with the dying, I find moments to call in the sacred to help the dying person connect to that sense of the sacred and feel held in the midst of pain, anxiety, or the array of other emotions that arise on the path to their death.

In my practice as a death doula, I’ve used various rituals that have served to bring in a connection to the sacred and divine:

Three Breaths Ritual

This ritual can be adapted for a number of situations, for example: I often use it to open sacred space at the beginning of a meeting or ceremony.

It is called “Three Breaths” because there are three parts:

Breath #1 – Opening: breathe in, opening your heart and bringing your whole self into the space…breathe out, letting go of all anxiety and tension

Breath #2 - Letting Go: e.g. Breathe in a picture/memory of the person you’ve lost. Let go of their physical being while holding onto their memory and bringing it into your heart.  

Breath #3: Nurturing: Breathe in what is needed at this moment. Release any obstacles to receiving what is needed.

Body Washing

When the loved one has passed, often the body is cleansed. This can be a symbolic washing with essential oils after the hospice nurse or caregiver has done a cleansing wash. A family member, e.g. mother, spouse, child can be invited to participate. 

Body Blessing with oil

More intention can be brought into a ritual body washing by including a body blessing is an intention to honor each aspect of the physical body by anointing various places with essential oil. If you’re curious to learn more about what this looks like, a fellow doula in our collective, Jeannie Palermo, shared this body blessing with us. Download the Body Blessing here!

Rose-Petal Ritual

During a farewell ceremony, a bowl of rose petals is placed on a ceremonial table at the entrance. There is also a Memory Box with a few cherished objects representing the person who has died. At the end of the ceremony, the attendees are invited to pick a rose petal from the bowl and place it in the memory box, representing their love.

5-Candle Ritual

Five candles are set at the front of the space during a farewell ceremony/memorial. As each candle is lit, a connection is made to these five aspects: grief, courage, love, memory, and hope. It is especially meaningful if a young family member lights the candles – this act brings them into the honoring of the deceased, into the space of the sacred, and symbolizes the lineage being passed on. You can download the 5-Candle Ritual here!

Lhasang

Any meaningful object can be passed through the smoke, for example: the urn with ashes during an ash-spreading; a photo of the person during a farewell ceremony; the memory box during a farewell ceremony.

Calming Tea Ceremony

After the death, a soothing tea can be made; for example: chamomile, ashwagandha, lemon balm, motherwort, skullcap, hawthorn; with the offering: “I offer this tea in honor of (name). May this brew of calming herbs allow you to feel your grief, hold you through your pain of deep loss, and bring you a sense of peace.”

Remembrance Ritual: Help the family create a ritual to remember and connect to their loved one. For example, if the loved one died on the 3rd of the month and they adored coffee, the family could share an intentional cup every third day of the month in their honor.

Farewell Ceremony

I have led a number of memorial services and farewell ceremonies. I have found the following components are key to elevating the ceremony as a sacred event: 

Preparing the Ground

The creation of the event often arises from a developing relationship of trust and companioning. Though I have a template, the actual ceremony evolves from who the dying person is and their own connection to ritual. It is important to discover whether they have religious beliefs, spiritual practices, or a personal connection to any specific ritual and ceremony. I introduce this concept fairly early in the relationship so that they know this can be taken care of if they choose, and they won’t have to carry it completely. I emphasize that I can assist with various aspects, if they wish. (For example, in one case, I went with the husband of the deceased to the mortuary to support him, but also to liaise with the director at the mortuary about the details.) It can be reassuring to those who are grieving that I’m taking care of this.

Creating The Space

Whenever possible, I recommend holding this ceremony outdoors because nature can be both supportive and soothing, but I always listen to the wishes of the family. In one case, a client had already planned to spread the ashes in the Santa Monica mountains – one of his favorite hiking places. One client chose Rose Hills simply because they had experience with the location. They had already been through so much; they didn’t have the energy or space to think outside of the box. In another case, the clients thought they needed to use a mortuary, but because we’d established a relationship, I made gentle suggestions about something less traditional, and they opted to host the ceremony in the park. Wherever it happens, the idea is to create the space as a holding container for the personal connection to the loved one and to death as an inherently sacred event without necessarily being linked to any specific religion or dogma (unless the client desires that).

Setting the Tone and Program

A farewell Ceremony is a beautiful and inspiring event, serious yet open-hearted and relieving. I think of it as a container to gather and hold the depths of love felt for the deceased. It is an expression of that love as authentic and unique to the individual who has died.

Again, as part of the process, I discuss these components ahead with the family as early as possible. I always show the client a draft of the ceremonial template, and then I ask for input, especially regarding readings – e.g. a poem, a bible reading, etc. We also discuss music and sometimes make a playlist, or they may have their own.

Here are some example components:

Setting the Intention: I always open with an intention of why we are here – to honor the loved one and to bring them into our hearts while we let them go physically.

3 Breaths – I use this ritual to land us into the space, let go of anxiety, center on the beloved, and nurture ourselves.

5-Candle Ritual- This ritual is a beautiful expression of grief, courage, memory, love, and hope.

Eulogy

The Eulogy is usually the centerpiece of a ceremony. I’ve written a number of eulogies and coached loved ones of the deceased on their eulogies. The writing process itself becomes a journey of memory, love, and loss, and a pathway for grief. In my coaching, I create a safe space for the writer and encourage them to explore the depth of their love with words.

FINAL THOUGHTS

We are in a complex space when working with the dying, so there is an opportunity to learn and evolve in the practice of ritual and ceremony. However, it should never be assumed that a dying person and their family will be open to ritual. As doulas, we must listen honestly and feel deeply to discover what might work for them. At the same time, I’ve become more courageous about suggesting and gently encouraging with an open heart throughout my work as a doula. Ritual and ceremony aids doulas and surviving family in honoring the sacredness of death, even when it hurts like hell.