The Community Corner Spotlight - Meet Neshia

 Community Corner is where we highlight incredible folks doing meaningful work in the world of death and dying. Nesia Alaovae is one of those people. A fellow death doula and the founder of A Thoughtful Death, Nesia first came onto my radar during a virtual deathcare conference we both attended. From the moment she spoke, there was a deep sense of familiarity that was absolutely magnetizing—her words were both eloquent and heartfelt, carrying a resonance that felt like a breath of fresh air.

What initially drew you to the field of death work, and how has your relationship to this calling evolved over time?  

My professional foray into death work began when I was 22. After college, I chose to work at a residential hospice in Washington, D.C. serving predominantly Black men who were homeless or housing insecure dying of AIDS or cancer. I didn't fully understand what hospice was when I first began but I knew that I wanted to be a part of offering a possibility for a healing story to people who needed it the most. 

However, death work has always been in my life in some way because death has often been near. I spent my earliest years in Samoa with my maternal family. My grandparents pastored a church and in their roles as spiritual leaders were often the first people called when someone became ill or was dying. They regularly took me with them as they ministered to the dying person, grieving family and extended community. I also had a near-death experience when I was five that gave me my physical disability - a continued daily invitation to reexamine my commitment to life and my mortality. I have always been drawn to the potential for genuine connections and profound healing at the end-of-life. The chances for growth in this work are endless and humbling.

As a practitioner immersed in emotionally intense care for others, how do you fill your cup & prioritize replenishing your energy or maintaining a sense of wellbeing?

I am a mother of young children and so before I take on any client, project or collaboration I ask myself, "Will I be able to be fully present to this work and then be able to come right home and be fully present to my kids?". That helps me be really clear about what I can and want to offer to myself and others. I also try really hard to prioritize what brings me joy: resting through reading, letting my creativity out, my sisterhood with Black, Indigenous and femmes of color and just delighting in life.

Who or what serves as your “North Star” in this work—an ancestor, mentor, or guiding philosophy that anchors your approach to providing care? 

My work is a love letter to three sets of ancestors. The first are the "granny midwives" of my Black heritage, the women who carried the knowledge when my ancestors were surviving chattel slavery and Jim Crow terror in the American South of how to "catch babies." These birthworkers were often also the same ones who did the labor of caring for people as they died, including burial and grief rites. Through their skill, mentorship and activism, granny midwives often lifted their families and communities out of poverty, despair and isolation. 

The second set of ancestors who inform my work are my Tamā and Tinā, the grandparents who raised me and were the first to show me how to face death with courage, respect and prayer. As my most recent biological ancestors, their love and faith remind me that our relationships do not end at death. 

And my final set of "North Star" ancestors are the Black, Indigenous and Ancestors of Color yet to come. In a society that often violently silences and kills BIPOC, I want my deathcare to be an active acknowledgement that the communities I come from and choose to grow in are worthy of love, dignity and autonomy at all parts of life. Our grief matters. Our dying matters. We deserve to die in peace. I am a deathworker to honor the past, affirm the present and help create the possibility for versions of joyful life and peaceful death that I can't even imagine yet. 

How has this work impacted your personal relationship to death? 

I think about my death a lot! Doing this work has helped me fine-tune what kind of ancestor I hope to be. Knowing who I want to be, I am able to work backwards and create a life that will lead to that person. I talk a lot about the importance of end-of-life planning in my work and doing my own end-of-life planning has brought a sense of peace and joy to my life. I hope I don't die for many years but when my time comes, I am excited for what I have in place - logistically, financially, spiritually and celebration-wise - for the people I leave behind. 

How would you critique the dominant cultural narratives around death today? What stories or practices do you wish to reclaim or reimagine?

There are several dominant cultural narratives around death that I find particularly troubling. One is the numbing around grief that stems from generations of being told to "get over it" in order to return to being a productive member of society as quickly as possible. This can really cheat people from being fully present as someone dies. It also gaslights grievers into thinking that something is wrong with them when they cannot stop mourning after the standard bereavement time of a few hours-a few days that society says is long enough for grief. 

Another narrative that I am always bumping against is the notion that a "normal" or "good death" is what middle to upper class, religious white people with big, supportive families experience. Many cultural, ethnic and faith communities have active death and grief rituals that have been in place for a loooooongtime. These deaths are also valuable, valid and important. Every single one. I am grateful that through my work I get to normalize grief, point out the unwellness of societal expectations and then cheer on clients as they discover the unique and often simple but powerful ways they want to face death. 

What role do you think “community” plays in your work as a death worker?

In my work, community has been pivotal. Community encouraged me to keep going in deathcare and open up a business. They recommend me to families, including their own, so that I can work in a way that is mutually nurturing. And in and with community, I get to dream about how we want to die, how we get to make that reality. I'm very grateful for the support and inspiration. 

Do you have a signature/calling card (ex. a staple practice, item, mantra) for your care practice as a death doula? 

Flowers have become my signature, both in my branding and in my practice, particularly the poppy. From flowers tucked into baskets when I'm visiting a dying person, to dried flowers packed into grief care packages to incorporating flowers into community grief events, I use them wherever I can. Clients often find it soothing and for me, it's a way of recreating my grandmother Tinā's garden, my first experience of a healing, safe place, in all that I do.   

Want to learn more about Neshia and her practice? 

Keep up with Neshia by checking out her website, https://www.athoughtfuldeath.com/.